Stroke 1

I have been advised that writing my feelings down in poem form might help me overcome all that is going on right now, and so here is poem 1.  It ends on a positive note although I do not feel positive at the moment.

Stroke

Why did you feel you had the right

To barge into my life that night?

We'd never met, although I knew

The barest details about you

Did you suppose a welcome waited?

Is that what you anticipated?

A friendly handshake, maybe tea?

Let me be frank you sicken me.

My life was difficult enough

I've always struggled, had things tough

So why on earth did you decide

To live with me, then try to hide

when scanned, you coward, were you scared?

Then what of me? – so unprepared,

Can you imagine how I feel

since you strode by intent to steal

my love of writing, turn it to

a chore I try hard not to do.

You thief! You're wicked selfish, vile

I hold you in contempt, your guile,

your craftiness do not impress

For in your wake you cause distress

You devastate, tear lives apart

I've heard the pain, the broken hearts

But here I cannot speak for others

Fellow survivors, sisters, brothers

For here my issue is with you

you've changed my life, it's fact, it's true

Now I must cut you down to size

And try my dreams to realise

Or maybe new dreams to create

To fit in with my altered state

To value life, perhaps reclaim

it, goals define and somehow aim

For something more, for something great

My purpose here to reinstate

To fear less, stand firm, be bold

To seize today, before I'm old

You came to rob and yet in time

Maybe my life you'll redefine.

Karen Holmes

29 March 2011

In Sure and Certain Hope........

In sure and certain hope

How can I declare that I'm assured eternal life

Proclaiming that my faith is sure and strong

And then admit that sometimes I get frightened

Does that invalidate my words or make them wrong?

How can I discuss the bible and be thrilled by it

How can I find strength to face another day

Then be tearful and afraid of all that lies ahead

Does this counteract my words in any way?

Is it possible for me to have a faith that's certain

And yet still be human in my hopes and fears

Can I know my God and stand upon His promises

Though my walk with Him has changed throughout the years?

Do I have to feel the same way as my fellow man

Can I dare to be quite different yet maintain

a living, vital, relevant relationship

with God and in His presence still remain?

I am reminded that my Jesus didn't toe the line

He didn't fit into the pattern or the mould

He reached out to those whom others may have cast aside

He searched for lost sheep and returned them to the fold.

And how He wept with real tears when Lazarus had died

His grief and passion He was not afraid to show

He turned the teaching of his day completely upside down

And when He needed space, He'd turn around and go.

So I believe He knows my frailties, my weakness too

And I'm convinced He does not stand in condemnation

For He's aware of how I often struggle in this world

For it is only through His grace we find Salvation.

So be encouraged all my brothers and my sisters

For we do not cower away from Him in fear

But with boldness we can come into His presence

And be certain He delights to have us near.

Karen Holmes

March 28^th 2011

Oh God be God

This is one of my older poems but appropriate to a conversation today on Facebook.

Oh God, be God

When You listen to my prayers, Lord, do You wish I’d ask for more?
Do I plead with You for crumbs, when You have got a feast in store?
Do I simply scratch the surface of Your measureless provision?
Oh my God, don’t act according to my earthly, finite vision.

When You hear my struggling prayers, Lord, do You open wide the door?
Are You glad I knocked upon it just to get to know You more?
Do You thrill to hear my voice, Lord, do you wish that I’d stay longer?
For You know that every moment spent with You will make me stronger.

Am I satisfied too easily?  Should I be pushing through-
My misguided, human wisdom for a bolder walk with You?
Have I put You in a box, God, have I somehow made You small?
Am I limiting Your power till You’re not God at all?

Oh today my cry is urgent, “Act according to Your might”
And I’ll wait in expectation of Your answer to my plight .
Translate all my feeble murmurs into fervent, faith filled praying
Holy Spirit take my groans, my sighs, make sense of what I’m saying.

Oh God, be God, fill me with awe and faith for what I’m asking for
Transform my prayer time, let me see the vastness of Your Sovereignty.
Creator, Healer, Saviour, King, the one to whom my prayers I bring;
Oh act according to your nature - who You are and what You do,
Act in mighty, boundless power - to Your character be true -

God who parted seas, who holds the universe in place
God who raised the dead and scattered all the stars in space
Make me bold in what I pray, and see beyond the words I say
Though my faith is weak and frail
May Your will, My God prevail.


Karen Holmes 2007

Oh taste and see...........

Oh taste and see...........

“Like newborn babes crave pure, spiritual milk so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1Peter 2:2-3”

Friend have you tasted that the Lord is good?

Has the flavour whet your appetite for more?

Are your taste buds all a tingle with His presence?

Are you longing for the keys to heavens store?

Do you seek to taste and digest every morsel?

Are you hungry with a great anticipation?

Are you ravenous for all our wondrous God contains

Does He fill your heart with love and adoration?

A word of warning as your longing for Him deepens

Learn to recognise the flavour of His word

Learn to identify the pure milk of Father

By your knowledge and the message you have heard

Seek only Him, and He alone will prove sufficient

Crave only Him so that your growth will wholesome be

His truth alone can bring redemption, grace and healing

His truth alone can ever set the prisoner free.

Let others speak but weigh their words against Gods flavour

If they're too salty or too bitter, let them go

If they do not contain the nutrients for growing

Then they are not the things that He would have you know

Now you have tasted for yourselves the Lord's great goodness

You can grow up in your Salvation and can learn

How to distinguish between mans words and the Father's heart

What's genuine you will be able to discern.

Like newborn babies you can recognise what's good for you

So let your cry be always, only unto Him

Then let your growth be measured by your love and wisdom

Let earthly voices be drowned out til they grow dim.

Don't be deceived by sweeter sounding new ideas

But hold firm to the truth you've tasted to be real

And as we grow let each of us not get complacent

But remain full of expectant, fervent zeal.

Karen Holmes

20 March 2011.

Dear Brain

Following my stroke last August, I have made a very good physical recovery.  My hand is almost back to it's former self although my signature is difficult, writing a letter now takes several days and getting coins out of my purse when I am tired is a slow process.  Very often people say "you don't look as though you have had a stroke" or "you have made a total recovery"  I find these comments hard to deal with because they do not easily allow me to say "actually I'm struggling"  My brain is far from recovered, the intense "tangibility" of my brain is uncomfortable and frightening, the "hot brain" feeling I get is horrible.  The brain fog is annoying.  I cannot study like I used to, I cannot think in depth without encountering these feelings......I have not made a total recovery.....yet.


Here I write a poem to my brain, telling it that I know it is struggling, I know it is injured and I will be patient...........

Dear Brain, I've heard your desperate plea,

the frustration you have shown

Impassioned cries you've made to me

Your voice unrecognised, unknown

It took some time to realise

That it was you I heard

The thought that my own brain could speak

to me, was once absurd

You fought for my attention

But I looked the other way

I turned life's music louder

To drown out what you'd say

I've been scared by your new presence

For you tangibly exist

And I do not like the feeling

One tiny little bit.

Now you get so hot and bothered

And through treacle I must wade

Things are not quite like they used to be

And sometimes I'm afraid.

So I'm listening when you tell me

That I must stop and rest

Though I'm oft inclined to argue

I'll accept your way is best.

For I'd like you to recover

though I don't know when you will

for I cannot see your injury

But I know that you've been ill

And they've shown me all the pictures

of the damage so I know

I must be patient with you

When you appear slow

Dear Brain, I feel your struggle

But together we'll win through

Just keep on getting better

and I'll go easier on you.

Karen Holmes

March 18^th 2011

Pole Dancing

I went to see the doctor

As my shoulder's causing pain

And I thought he might know just the thing

To put it right again.

Well he moved my shoulder up and down

In front and then behind

He said that I could punch him if he hurt me

Aww – how kind!

We spoke about injections

and then manipulation

I didn't fancy either

so explained my situation.

“Ah yes, I understand”, said he

“I have one more idea”

A Pole Dancing type exercise

might help you, though I fear

it may not make a difference

but perhaps it's worth a try,

and take encouragement from this

you certainly won't die!”

So as I left the surgery

I pondered every word

At first I thought “It's silly,

ridiculous, absurd!”

But then I got to thinking

Perhaps I'd have a go

Pole dancing isn't really “me”

But hey, you never know!

I searched upon the internet

To find out how to dress

I like to do things properly

My aim was to impress!

A red and sequined number

Might turn a head or two

My outfit now selected

There was just one thing to do.

A pole to practice I would need

But where could one be found

I searched online without success

In deep concern I frowned

Then suddenly it dawned on me

A venue came to mind

Within the fire station

The perfect thing I'd find!

I could swing around with real style

And climb to dizzy heights

My painful shoulder I'd forget

The future now looked bright.

So once my costume has arrived

You won't see me for dust

I'm off to exercise my arm

For practice is a must

You never know what life will bring

I'm planning something grand

My exploits as a pole dancer

Will spread throughout the land.

My name will soon be written

In lights for all to see

For thanks to the good doctor

A brand new career awaits me!

Karen Holmes

March 8^th 2011

All to Jesus I surrender

Lord, my all is on Thine altar

I yield my life to Thee

In full and glad surrender

Take all there is of me.

Oft in penitence I've prayed, Lord

Let my life be consecrated

My declaration of intent

Has frequently been stated.

When I'm serving You, I'm free God

and my sacrifice yields praise

Yes I meant each word I pledged to You

In my younger, carefree days.

It's occurred to me just recently

that my knowledge then was small

Though I thought I'd got things all mapped out

I had no idea at all

No comprehension of the pain

No grasp of what might be

No shred of understanding

Of what life would ask of me.

My Christian life was settled,

My faith was well defined

I wouldn't have expected doubts

to ever cross my mind.

Yet without those doubts, those questions

My faith would not have grown

I've had to re-evaluate

so my walk with God I own

I stand on my convictions

Though some may disagree

Surrender must be total

“Dear God, take all of me.

My “yes” is all You ask for

And that I gladly give

My all is on Thine altar,

For You alone I live.”

Karen Holmes

March 7^th 2011